Teen Victorians?
by vinnie the geek
Summary: Warning: Do not read if you are currently sane. Five teens fight crime in three piece suits and dresses, in the 19th century. They bear a strange resemblance to the 'Teen Titans,' but they talk funny. Pairings only hinted at.
1. Meet the Adolescents

Disclaimer: This story is complete drivel, and is intended solely for the purpose of amusing those who are captivated by Vinnie's random, inane attempts at humor. I am only posting this because my Beta warned me not to- /evil laughter/ and therefore, I am compelled to prove her wrong. I hope...

Also, I am sick, and cannot write, but maybe some of you considerate, brilliant, insightful, discerning loyal readerswill write something in your reviews that will amuse me. Or you could write to 'Brain... .' Heh heh, I said brain, Scooter!

Note: Any resemblence to 'Teen Titans' characters is purely coincidence, I assure you. Maybe.

**TEEN VICTORIANS**

The sun was already risen, and birds were singing outside the balcony of Richard Grayson's room, by the time he awakened.

"Goodness me! I do hope that I am not too late to breakfast," he muttered aloud.

The dapper young man attended to his morning ablutions hastily. Hurrying down the staircase of his palatial estate manse, he wound his way to the formal dining room.

"Good morning Master Grayson," Matilda called out happily- "you are just in time, I will start serving right away, Sir."

"Good morning, Master Richard." Garfield Logan rose, and made a slight bow.

"A good morning to you, Sir." Spoke Richard. "I trust you and Mr. Stone slept well?"

"Indeed I did, Sir!" Gushed Victor Stone. "And what a goodly morning it is!"

Richard cast a glance down the length of the magnificent table. The settings were perfect-as always. Fresh flowers adorned the center of the room. But something was missing...

Grayson raised one eyebrow in a gesture of extreme anxiousness-"I observe that our lady friends have not yet arrived-shall I send for them, or am I to be apprised of a change in our morning plans?"

An admittedly peculiar coincidence, at precisely that moment Arthur opened the doors to the grand hall, and announced the arrival of the ladies.

"Gentlemen-Miss Raven and Miss Kori have arrived for-breakfasting." Arthur was such a card...

The trio of gentlemen rose from their seats to greet their lady friends.

"Ladies-it always does my heart good to look upon two such visions of beauty," spoke Richard.

"I concur-hear, hear," added Victor, bowing deeply.

Garfield bowed courteously, as well. "My ladies!"

Kori twittered as she curtsied. "Thank you so kindly, gentlemen. As always, I am flattered."

Raven glowered disdainfully, disregarding proper etiquette. "Must you always be so dully formal? And I shall charitably restrain from commenting on your foolish prattle... ."

Greyson was unperturbed. "I am truly sorry that you are unforgiving my small indulgences, Miss Raven. You two are my guests, however, and I shall not forget that; nor shall I refrain from speaking my mind, as do you." He smiled. "Come, let us enjoy this lovely repast that Matilda has so graciously prepared."

L A TERON

"Arthur, is the carriage at hand?" asked Richard.

"Yes, Sir. James awaits, Sir," the Butler replied dryly.

Richard encompassed the room with a sweep of his arm, "Arise, friends-we depart!"

As the other four seated themselves comfortably, Richard, entering last, instructed his coachman. "The usual route, James."

"Very good, Sir." Replied the driver. With a gentle lurch, the carriage started towards the Haarlem district of New Amsterdam.

Garfield, as usual was fidgety. "Richard, does it not concern you that someday, we will be revealed?"

"Certainly not," Richard harrumphed. "As long as we take care to veil ourselves with our dark spectacles, none shall ever discover us!"

"You seem rather more sure of yourself than is befitting," observed Raven. "I believe that Mr. Logan displays a proper concern."

"Nonsense," replied the cocksure Greyson. "Should anything untoward ever become, we need only travel to Professor Wells, and all can be made right again."

"You are most assured that Professor Wells' time-travel device is real, then?" Inquired the somewhat light-headed Kori.

Victor took up the challenge. "Of course, my dear Miss Koriander. I myself have read the tales of the great Professor Wells' adventures in traveling throughout history; both past and future. He has personally assured me, in his own hand, that his machine is both efficient and most safe." He nodded to himself, satisfied.

MORE LATER

The indomitable carriage passed a field, whereupon the five spied a man, bludgeoning a woman with a rather large stick.

"Halt the forward progress of the carriage!" Cried Richard.

Miss Raven turned towards Kori, and rolled her eyes skyward, whilst simultaneously simulating the act of gagging on a finger.

The five Incomparable Adolescents piled out of their conveyance in a hurried manner. They walked with a very lively step to the scene of the crime.

Raven spoke first, although it was not her turn. "Sir! May we inquire what loathsome deed performed compels you to repeatedly strike this good woman about the face and hands with that rather large stick?" Miss Raven spoke most forcefully, drawing a shocked look from both the fiend and his victim.

"What business is it of yours, may I ask?" Snarled the despicable villain.

"Sir, you speak to the 'Adolescent Colossii,'" Richard returned in a haughty tone. "And I believe you owe Miss Raven an apology for speaking in so rude a manner to her polite enquery."

"Uh-no disrespec' meant, Sirs-and Madames." The ruffian fumbled for words. "My wife here was off to weed the garden before milking the cows. I have warned her many times before... ."

"He beats me constantly, Sirs." Cried the too-lovely young woman. "And at night he forces me to disrobe in the light," she sobbed, covering her face to deflect a stroke of the stick.

"Unclean filth-stay your wicked hand!" Cried Garfield bravely.

"Hey, she's my wife-my property!" Said the vile man in a most ungracious tone of voice. "And who's goin' to make me stop?" The nasty man challenged.

"I myself, shall cause you to cease," interjected Miss Kori. She assumed most unladylike-like stance, spreading her legs for balance, and raising her clenched fists, as would a pugilist.

"Hey-now there's somthin' you don't see everyday." Laughed the accursed husband. "Shall I really be forced to knock you about also, Milady?"

"Proceed-I mean try it," Intoned Raven, evenly.

The lithe and graceful Miss Koriander advanced upon the bully. He swung at her with the rather large stick he held in his bullying hand. The gentle redhead parried his attack, knocking away the rather large stick, while delivering to the ugly, disrespectful man's jaw a most effective blow with her other hand.

"Done," Said Kori simply, wiping her hands together. She leaned down to offer the poor, lovely young abused woman her hand. Helping the unfortunate lady to her feet, Kori then turned back to the offal that called himself the girl's husband. "Will you not treat your wife with respect, of shall I pummel you some more, Sir?"

"Nooo," groaned the wretched, horrible man. "I will be good-promise. Just don't hurt me anymore, Miss."

"Very good, Sir!" Miss Kori replied in a most stimulated manner. "And you-poor luscious, overworked, abused wife-should you ever require additional assistance, here is my card... ."

"Oh, thank you Adolescent Colossii!" cried the delicious, beat-upon young lady, clasping her hands to her heaving bosom. "I shall not soon forget your brave deeds, or you, the lovely, delicious Miss Kori!"

"You are certainly most welcome, and thank you," smiled Miss Koriander.

"You carry on, Miss Kori!" Piped up Garfield, extending a fist in the air in his peculiar, customary manner.

"Here, here!" Cried Victor.

So concludes the first chapter (of two) (or three)in the exiciting exploits of our fabulous five.!

(insert lame plea to reviewers here)


	2. Q: Are We Not Men? A: No!

Now, where were we...? Oh, yes! I must insist politely on more reviews, before I shall unveil my greatest story ever. What-you don't believe me?

The moment you have all waited for...**the Props**!

**Kage no ni yoru:** What mean ye by 'Wtholf?' Hmmm, Lame, and Corny: Methinks you got it!

**Me:** Is this really me? I did giggle a lot...but I have already read the other chapters...?

**I think I forgot my name**: You do that a lot, don't you? I have indeed checked out of Titan's Tower-they said I was too lame, and corny...

**Duyt**: Aha! Very clever-thou callest it a 'rendition,' thereby avoiding the inevitable wrath of Vinnie, who proclaimed this story to be not the Teen Titan's. However, thy name is most peculiar, and I fear for thine sanity, if thou be male, skipping about with a powdered wig, singing 'ah-ha; ha-ha!'

**Malcore Xan'thex:** What? Thou wast surprised that it was good? Uhhh...and what was I discouraged about, again?

**HVK:** Actually, Sir...I talked to Master Richard, and he assures me that they do, in fact, speak in that manner.

**Darkest Midnight: **Nice to see you again! Did I say 'delicious' several times? I try to mix up the ridiculous random adjectives. I do believe that particular problem becomes more pronounced as the story progresses...Is there a good reason? Not really, none that I can defend...

**To those who have read, and not reviewed:** Do you not wish to be immortalized in the props?

**To those who have reviewed, and not read:** I can fix all your problems...just send me your name, address, mastercard or visa, and driver's license...

Now, on to the grandest second chapter of 'Teen Victorians' ever written...

**'Q: Are We Not Men? A: No...'**

(stupid looking page break, owing to anal-retentive administrators of FF.)

LATERYET

(stupid looking page break, owing to anal-retentive administrators of FF.)

The youthful defenders of justice continued their journey. The carriage bounced and swayed precariously, as it wound it's way throughout the narrow streets of Haarlem, which were in a notorious state of disrepair.

Rounding a corner of the bleak street, the monumental five espied an unruly-looking group of young men wielding weapons of mass destruction. They appeared to be impeding the progress of an innocent shepherd, involved in driving his flock across the street upon which their own transportation was traveling.

Mr. Stone was first to speak, this time-as it was, properly, his turn. "Hear, hear, black-hearted mavens of mayhem! Oh-sorry Master Rob-er-Richard. You, black heart: do you intend ill towards this innocent herder of pretty sheeps?"

"Go back to your fancy party," replied one of the filthy ruffians, most rudely. "We needs some of these fine pretty sheeps, and you shall not stop us."

Richard trumpeted his battle-cry, "Sally forth, Colossii!" he cried, with great feeling.

Miss Raven shook her head sadly, murmuring, "One must needs fear for our goodly reputation, when Master Richard persists in unabashedly proclaiming his tasteless and annoying call-to-arms in such a manner..."

Miss Kori tittered, "I must disagree, Raven dearest lovely maiden friend of mine-I do consider Master Richard's declaration to be most dashing, and rollicking good sport, in addition."

Miss Raven's dark eyes took on a distinctive reddish hue, briefly. "You frankly exasperate me, Koriander. You are plainly lacking in matters of good taste."

"There is no need to thus abuse me, Miss Raven," replied Kori, hurriedly. "I certainly apologize for my presumptive enthusiasm."

The young male members of the Adolescent Colossii, bye the bye, had come into close proximity of the murderous ruffians, who threatened harassment of the poor shepherd.

The largest member of the human filth wielded his monstrous weapon, charging at Richard. "Feel the awful wrath of my truncheon, handsome meddler!"

Reaching for his trusted short-sword, Richard grasped nothing but air. "Goodness me, I have once again neglected my armament!" He mouthed in amazement.

Kori gasped in preparation for a swoon. "Miss Raven-you must extricate Master Richard from his awful fate, or I shall surely die!"

Raven sighed. "Oscelot, Mango, Xenon!"

A small black cloud gathered above Richard. The cloud discharged a noisome flash of lightning, which set fire to the frightful truncheon of intended mayhem. The miserable miscreant holding said weapon was quick to drop it. Richard, Victor, and Garfield then set about the business at hand. Their mighty fisticuffs soon vanquished the horrible 'Hobbits' of havoc.

"Another job done well, what say?" Crowed Victor, removing his soiled dueling-gloves.

"Good fun, I say," chimed in a bloodied Garfield.

Richard wiped the spittle from his chin. "Let us to yon tavern, to rest and relate our heroic tales of virtue triumphant."

"Hear, hear," joined Victor.

(stupid looking page break, owing to anal-retentive administrators of FF.)

The ladies joined their dashing male counterparts, and entered the tavern, accompanied by the jubilant cries of the shepherd and his grateful sheeps.

The tavern-keeper fixed the dandies with a jaundiced eye. "I do hope you gentlemen wants not for a free draught in exchange for your admittedly daring rescue of my dear cousin..."

"No, no-certainly not, good Sir." Garfield spoke in a most gentlemanly manner. "We wish merely to pay you for our refreshment, and make a bit of merry sport, reciting of our tales of knightly adventures."

Just as Mr. Logan was finishing his pronouncement, an old haggard woman burst through the tavern entrance, accompanied by the local Constable. "There she is!" shouted the miserable old crone. "She's the witch!"

Miss Raven laughed nervously, "Dear me, I have previously been disparaged for my manner of cavorting with manly dangers-but never before have I been described in such a loathsome manner. Methinks this ugly decrepit hag has had strong drink."

Laughter all around greeted Raven's witticism. Men nodded to one another, and toasted 'strong drink!'

"I saw her conjure fire!" The crooked old one exclaimed.

"Oooooooh," replied the sophisticated crowd, in unison.

"Others outside tell the same frightful tale," Said the Constable. "We must needs be consider this charge fully."

"She's a witch-burn her!" A cry came from a dark corner of the tavern, from one particularly sotted patron.

"Yes! A witch-burn her!" Cried the remainder of the contemplative citizenry.

"Yes! Hear-hear-uhhhh, no..." Shouted the dim-witted Garfield.

"My good friends." Raven offered. "Good people! I cannot be a witch, for I have not the mark!" Raven shouted. "It is common knowledge, after all, that a witch must bear the mark of Beelzebub."

"That is truly stated, Miss Raven," commented the Constable.

"But how know we that she bears not the mark?" Observed an owlish-looking little man.

"Aye! The mark! We must verify that she bears not the mark!" The tavern-patrons chanted-independent thinkers that they were. "Strip her of her coverings! Strip her to unclothedness! Let us all view the absence of the mark!"

Richard leered at Miss Raven. "Harrumph!" He colored slightly, and quickly recomposed himself. "Thou shalt not strip this maiden fair of her coverings, lest you do it over my deathly personage!"

"Aye-kill him! And burn the witch!" The gleeful mob cried. "But let us strip the corset form her most delightfully feminine form, forthwith."

"I clearly stated 'deathly' person, not 'dead,' stuttered the cowardly Richard. He whined, in a Garfield-like manner-"Please do not consider it promised that you must end my mortal existence... ."

"I too, shall offer my life for yon fair virginal maiden, Raven!" Cried Garfield, supposing himself to be not half so stupid as he, in fact, was.

"Hear-hear!" Joined the overly-agreeable Mr. Stone. "Let us all die, before Miss Raven is stripped of her coverings!"

Kori could hear no more without rejoinder. "If you must take the virginal, pure charms of a fair maiden, I shall permit myself to be so abused, rather than suffer Miss Raven."

The lovely, voluptuous, delicious Miss Koriander stepped lively to the center of the room, and began to remove her bodice. "Constable-would you be a dear, and avail yourself the opportunity to assist the removal of clothing from my very distracting body?" Cooed the sensuous vixen.

Richard, after retrieving his wayward tongue, was fortunate to decipher Kori's message. "Let us take our leave while Miss Kori is thus amusing our clever friends," whispered the chicken-hearted one.

Thus slunk out the four amazing givers of justice, like mice.

(stupid looking page break, owing to anal-retentive administrators of FF.)

Thank you, I think I forgot my name:

"Review... please review... reviews is like the air to me... without reviews I die... arggh-"


	3. Carnal Wishes, and Vows of Chastity

Disclaimer: Vin is an idiot, and does not listen to his brain, or his beta...

And oh yes-don't, won't, I wish...

Master Greyson: Is this not the appropriate place to grace this page with the 'proper respects' to be paid to our dear readers?

Miss Raven: May we dispense with the formalities, and proceed with the drudgery?

Mr. Stone: Harrumph...I believe, Mr. Vincent, that it is time for the acknowledgement of the dicriminating, intelligent reviewers of your fictional accounts of our grandglorious adventures...

Garfield: I second the motion!

Miss Kori: Was a motion put forth?

**Now is come for all good men and women of faith to read the glorious distribution of the 'proper respects.'**

**Duyt:** You be not man? I most humbly beg forgiveness of thou, and do implore thee to reveal thy name of record-either that or send a picture without...ouch! Not again! Brain!

**Malcore Xan'thex:** Yet again, we meet. I beg you, do not divulge to any man this secret! Richard Greyson not only is burdened with the heart of a Lemming, but he also cavorts about in lady's frilly unmentionables...

**I Think I forgot your name: **Thank you kindly, dear sir, or madame. Must I repeat myself ? I went to Titans Tower-but they_ **sent me off**,_ because **_I _**was too corny, and lame. The comments concerning my taste in humor were from the review by Kage no ni yoru...sorry. Koriander/Kori-eh? Koriand'r is the name of a 20th century crimefighter, unrelated to the characters in this story.

**DarkestMidnight:** Thank you for being the delightfully delicious deliverer of discerning reviews that you are. Yes, I found Miss Kori's display to be both gross and funny also. Well-funny, anyway...

**HVK: **Yes, Hell does that from time to time...especially when someone questions my omphaloskepsis. I assure you-Trigon has a full ski parka.

**Liljimmyurine: **Thank you-I think? At what point did the story cease to be hilarious? And you _might_ have known, but did not-therefore you shall also bow to my mighty powers of omphaloskepsis!

**Baka Zero:** Thank you-but I like you: you may address me as 'Lord'-no need to be formal. I am glad that you appreciate my creativity in 'borrowing' laughs from Monty Python! But how shall I read your literature, if you are anon-a-mouse?

On to the continuing jollity!

The chapter titled **'Carnal Wishes, and Vows of Chastity.'**

_( This annoyingly mundane page break brought to you by the cowardly adminstration of FanfictionDotNet.)_

SOME WHATLATER

The 'Adolescents,' less one of their number, hid like weasels in their carriage. Theywaited just over the river bridgement for the hopeful escape of their dearest friend Kori. To their amazement, Kori was forthcoming, and not long in doing so.

"Miss Koriander! You are saved!" Cried Raven.

"How ever did you escape?" asked the dullard Garfield.

"And how came you to formulate so cunning a plan?" added the Milquetoast Richard.

Miss Kori blushed. "My mother once recited to me the mighty power of the womanly charms," said the gracious, and delectable Miss Kori.

"Yes-that explains our escape" figured the ever-so-intelligent Mr. Stone. "But do tell how _your_ escape was made?"

"I am stronger than I look, Mr. Stone." Stated Kori, the master of stating the obvious. "You do not forget?"

"Harrumph!" Blubbered Stone. "Of-of course I do not!" He absentmindedly rubbed his chest in the vicinity of his most recent broken ribs...

"It was a simple matter for me to escape their ravenous clutches. But my clothing, I am afraid, I was unable to retrieve. ."

"That's why you look different!" Observed the omniscient Garfield. "You are naked as a Jaybird!"

"You are simply magnificent, dearest Kori," fumbled the unworthy Richard. "I refer, of course, to your clever plan, and escape..."

"Of course?" puzzled Kori. "Do you mean to say that you find my naked, virginal, voluptuousness unattractive?" She stammered, "Must I become so utterly despairing as to openly solicit your carnal attentions?"

"Hear-hear," coughed Stone.

"I, for one, would require no further invitation," volunteered Garfield.

Miss Raven deliberated-should she administer the coup de grace to Master Richard, or draw-and-quarter Miss Kori...? She decided upon the civilized course, and turned her back to the offenders of her sensibilities, muttering "Inbreeding Aristocrats... ."

YET MORELATER

The carriage approached stately Greyson Manor, stopping at the enormous guest house. Here the two young ladies exited, in order to freshen up before the evening repast.

"Kori," Miss Raven began, "do you not understand Master Richard? His history is thus: Richard was an orphan..."

Miss Koriander drew a sharp intake of breath. "No! Surely you are mistaken?"

"But that I were," continued Raven. "If I may continue-he was raised by a distant cousin, a certain Mr. Wayne. Mr. Wayne required, as a condition of the young Master Richard's ongoing education and keep, that Richard vow to remain free of romantic ties. Master Richard has kept his pact, and to the best of my knowledge, intends to continue in the same manner."

"How frightfully distressing for poor Richard," said Kori, with tears of sadness beginning to seep from the corners of her overly-large green eyes. "I was wont to imagine I should someday be the Mistress of stately Greyson Manor."

"I am truly distressed at your delightfully feminine show of distress, Miss Kori." Raven spoke with more kindness than usual. "I hated to speak so freely, but it must needs be that you turn your attentions elsewhere."

Miss Koriander cast herself into the arms of the dark, mysteriously sensuous Miss Raven, her bitter tears now flowing freely. "Oh, Raven-I am so utterly removed from any hope of future happiness that I shall surely die...presently." Sobbing uncontrollably, she buried her face in Miss Raven's ample bosom. "Please tell me something pleasing, that will serve to distract from my despairing."

"Ummmmm-the feeling of your lovely face buried in my considerable bosom, and wetting me with your tears of sadness is strangely effecting feelings of fondness towards your voluptuous self in my own heart?" Raven pulled Miss Koriander even tighter to her rather large bosom. "I feel myself losing the will to suppress my urges to commit unspeakable acts upon your delicious naked form."

Miss Kori sniffled, and lifted her head, to peer deep into the eyes of the equally delicious Miss Raven.

"No!" Raven corrected sternly, pushing Kori's head back down to her quite prominent bosoms. "Please continue your despairing in the same manner!"

ELSEWHERE

Garfield shook his head yet again, uncomprehending. "Do you mean me to understand, Master Richard, that you have vowed to remain chaste-forever?" Mr. Logan was quite incredulous.

"Hear-hear," Cried Victor. "A chaste existence is, indeed, a most noble endeavor. Such a man can only be admired. I say Huzzah for Master Richard, and his vow never to sample the exquisite joys of the fairer sex!" He harrumphed. "I, for one, cannot imagine such a miserable existence-to go throughout one's entire life, never to know the love of such a delectable young lady as Miss Koriander, just to name one."

"Thank you for your kind words, Sir," spoke Richard. "I think I shall retire early tonight-I seem to have taken ill, suddenly."

"I shall convey your best wishes to the lovely and full-bosomed Miss Kori, and the equally well-endowed Miss Raven, Master Richard. It shall be my honor." How Mr. Logan was able to speak with such respectful restraint, at such a sorrowful moment, must be left to the reader's imagination.

"Hear-hear!" Trumpeted the obnoxiously consistent Mr. Stone. "And I shall personally see to it that the most delectable Miss Koriander is properly consoled."

In a most peculiar turn, Victor was able to pronounce the preceding sentence with a straight face, which is more than can be said for the author.

"That will not be necessary, Mr. Stone," said Raven, who entered the room accompanied by Miss Kori, just as that last sentence was voiced, with straight face, by Victor Stone.

"Miss Kori has drawn what consolation was needed already, from myself."

Kori sniffled, just a tiny bit- "I have sworn off the male of the human species-your ministrations shall not be required, thank you, Victor."

Garfield showed surprise. "Are you to have me understand that you are...?"

"Mr. Garfield!" Scolded Raven. "The author of this story may allow his mind to dwell on such offensive conduct-but I assure you that nothing of the kind shall ever have transpired between Miss Koriander and myself!" She scowled, most convincingly. "I find myself highly agitated that a gentleman, such as you suppose yourself to be, could even think such an evil thing."

Garfield hesitated, quite taken aback. "Madame! I was about suggest that perhaps Miss Koriander had reached a decision to join Master Richard in his gallant mission of purity! I should never think to presume upon your good sensibilities, as ladies of virtue-regardless your delightful curvaceousnesses."

"Oh."

"Hear-hear!"

"Sniffle."

_( This annoyingly mundane page break brought to you by the cowardly adminstration of FanfictionDotNet.)_

Methinks I shall end here-before I am ended.

Thanks be to the one whose name is forgotten-but who leaves you with this parting thought:

Sorry it's not as funny as the last one, but it's the only thing I could think of, and please update soon!

(Review!... Review!... Review!...Review!...REVIEW!...

CRAZY! AH! I NEED REVIEWS

...and I have cookies...


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